Fallen Angel

So I have to post something about the Shaniya Davis story, so tragic and it weighs so heavily on my heart. I see her face in my dreams at night and it just bothers me to know what she went through in her last few hours of life. So I am asking the blogspot to pray for me and my grief, pray for lil miss Shaniya and her soul, pray for my hatred of the man who did this to her and her mother, who wasn't a mother at all. Pray for all the lost souls in this world, for we have forgotten the basic meaning of humanity. I hope that I can live my life so that I can one day walk through those pearly gates of heaven and see this beautiful young girl and then will I truly understand God's purpose behind her death. Until next time blogspot.

Alone

I knew 2009 was going to be my roughest year when in February my cousin died. Man that hurt me to my core and I have been searching for a way to get over her death ever since. Then end of May comes and bam, one of my closest male friends dies tragically in a car accident and I am sitting her asking God why, damn two people gone. So now we are coming into the home stretch of the year and I am still searching for answers to a lot of questions.

Question one, why is this pain still soo raw. Like at what point do I get over all of it and come to grips with the fact that two very important people in my life are gone.

Question two, would all of this hurt a little less if I had that special someone to talk to and be there for me during the roughest patches of my life.

Question three, is my sadness leading me down a path that I would later regret.

Confused huh, well let me enlighten you, ever since my friend died I have had the urge to reconnect with my ex. Now this is the ex that people would love me to get back with but they also know that he has some "issues" of his own. It's like with this guy we always do this, we end up reconnecting, we talk about our past indiscretions and hurts, and we talk about how we still feel about each other and then it stalls out, neither one of us makes a move. He goes back to doing his thing and I go back to doing mine. Well recently I went to go see him, and we hung out and it was mad fun, no pressure, just two friends having a good time and it made me realize that maybe this is what it is supposed to be. We never really had a friendship, just a relationship and then our problems. It's like now we are the same. I look at him and I see me, sans the whoring but he's a guy that is to be expected. It's like we have both put up this wall and we are not letting anyone in. No matter how much we love, or care or want to be in a relationship neither one of us is willing to completely let someone else in. I have learned from this guy that you really can't take love for granted. We get involved in these seemingly immature relationships, not seeing their potential or even realizing that person you are with may be "the one", so we walk away thinking there are "plenty of fish" in the sea. Well its 8 years later and neither one of us has found that fish. Just a lot of drama and headaches. A part of me still wants him to want me, not even sure if he does, but I do know one thing, my time with him was the happiest I have ever been with a guy, and that has to count for something.

So here I am, heavy hearted, missing my cousin, missing my homey and wishing I had someone to be here through the loneliness. Until then I will settle for the occasional text, and the telephone conversations here and there, because just maybe that is what God intended in the end, a solid friendship. But in the end I can't help but feel alone.